STAR TREK

I'll confess up front that I'm not a Trekkie. I followed the TV series in a casual way, but then I also watched Pee Wee Herman--and the only thing I know about him has to do with his taste in movies. So why did I see this film? Hell if I know.

There's about ten minutes total in this movie where somebody isn't getting bashed repeatedly in the face or worse. It's the same old eye-for-an-eye stuff that one would hope the HUMAN race, at least, (don't know about Vulcans or Romulans) would have grown beyond in the distant future of interplanetary space travel.

There's a young James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) who I didn't like that much because he's an arrogant little sh*t. There's a young Spock (Zachary Quinto) who I liked even less cuz he's just so anal. There's the villain, a Romulan named Nero, (Eric Bana) who's nasty looking and has tattoos. (Villains always have tattoos in these films...I think all the NICE people who have tattoos should mount a protest against such stereotyping.)

Nero has a long standing beef with the OLDER Spock, (there's time travelling involved here) and Leonard Nimoy gracing this picture in that role is the only thing that gives it an air of authenticity. The plot isn't that inventive, but it moves at warp speed, with everyone running around in full scale crisis mode most of the time.

Star Trek begins with a flashback, where James Kirk's father, George, has taken over a ship that's in--you guessed it--full scale crisis mode and about to go POOF. On board is George's wife, Winona, who's about to give birth to their son, James Tiberius Kirk. She escapes in the nick of time before the craft is destroyed by those damned Romulans.

Here's where I'm departing from the plot to do my rant. What the hell is a PREGNANT woman doing on board a spacecraft that's involved in dangerous missions? This is what chaps my ass about our real life space program. Remember the Challenger that went KA-PLOOEY in the mid 80s? Some of those astronauts had young children. Remember the Columbia that went KA-BLAM in 2003? Same thing.

If you're single, or have grown children, do whatever you want. But it is the height of IRRESPONSIBILITY for a parent with kids at home to choose, or continue to be involved in what is arguably the most DANGEROUS job in the world--knowing full well there's a real chance that their kids will grow up without a mother or a father. Astronauts are drunk on bravado and the romance of "boldly going where none have gone before." It's high time they take a sober look at what their priorities are in life.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the special effects in Star Trek are astounding, and really the only thing that kept me from nodding off.

GRADE: C

TIMMY'S TIDBITS: Chris Pine's nickname is "Pine Sol." Aptly named, since a lot of guys wiped the floor with him in Star Trek.

PASSENGERS (now playing at home where your kid just dumped a bowl of oatmeal over his head)

I wanted to see Passengers because it was touted as a film about people who disappear. I often think it would be great if about half the world's population would disappear--you and me excepted, of course. I wouldn't want to kill them off--just transfer them to a different dimension where they'd probably have more fun anyway.

That's because all of the world's MAJOR PROBLEMS can be traced back to overpopulation: POLLUTION (too many cars, factories, and cows farting--injecting their gases into the atmosphere). DISEASE (too many people spreading it around). THE ECONOMY(too many people, not enough jobs) and so on. But I digress.

And NOW, back to our story!

Anne Hathaway stars as Claire Summers, a psychologist who is called in to counsel a handful of survivors from a major plane crash. Eric (Patrick Wilson) is the one that she's drawn to, and the individual who presents the most perplexing challenge for her. Claire tries all the tricks of her trade to get him to open up to her along the lines of the standard patient-therapist relationship. But Eric wants to relate to her on a more personal level. He wants her to see him (and herself, in the process) as a real person. Claire wants to keep her professional distance, and the awkwardness she displays in attempting to do so reveals HER as the one who needs to learn a thing or three about being an authentic human being. If there's any substantive message in this movie--and it's a good one for those in the counseling profession--there it is. But I digress again.

NOW...back to our story again!

There's a guy with the airline who seems to be trying to hide something about the real cause of the plane crash.

There's a strange guy who starts hanging around Claire (she sees him through the window, but he doesn't have binoculars, so he's not just a perv).

There's a strange dog who starts shadowing Eric, barking like he's trying to tell the guy something (other than FEED ME).

And some of the survivors begin to disappear.

There's another wildly popular movie from a few years back that is ripped off by this film--but I can't tell you the name of it...or even who starred in it...somebody STOP me...I WANT to, but I just CAN'T...because if you knew the film I'm talking about you'd catch on to the surprise ending of Passengers. So just see this flick, then let me know that you've figured out the title of the other film and I'll give you a gold star!

Rip-off aside, Passengers is an entrancing love story set inside a mystery (with a great soundtrack by Edward Shearmur) that will hold you in its grip until the end.

GRADE: B +

BUMPER STICKER:

WHILE YOU'RE HOLDING A GRUDGE...OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANCING

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

In a modern day spoof of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol," Matthew Mconaughey portrays Connor Mead, a rakish professional photographer who--unlike Ebenezer Scrooge--spreads the wealth (of himself) around to his legion of adoring female fans.

He's phobic about anything that smacks of commitment, and why shouldn't he be when he has a bevy of young lovelies to choose from--most of them portrayed as sex-starved
and brainless? Except for Jenny Peroti, (Jennifer Garner) the girl he's known since childhood--"the one that got away."

Connor meets up with Jenny again on the eve of his younger brother Paul's wedding, and the old hidden away feelings they still harbor for one another begin to stir. Then the ghost of Connor's "Uncle Wayne," (Michael Douglas) who taught him all he knows about women, appears to him in a bathroom. (I, for one, don't like to be approached by ANYONE in a restroom--let alone a ghost.)

Uncle Wayne tells Connor he's got to change his ways, and that he'll be visited by 3 other ghosts (all women) who'll take him on a journey of enlightenment through his past, present, and future.
At this point, we can see what's coming. Just as Scrooge was shown the error of his ways, Connor must be made to see that all that womanizing will, in time, leave him a lost and lonely man, (ahh---but the MEMORIES) and that Jenny is the one he's been carrying a torch for all this time.

But will they be together in the end?

Mconaughey and Garner are a far cry from Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, but their on-screen chemistry works okay.

Lacey Chabert, as younger brother Paul's MERCURIAL BRIDEZILLA, Sandra, is a RIOT--and nearly steals the entire movie. Maybe that's why they toned her down in the second half of the film.

Anne Archer has a cameo as an older gal who's been around the block too many times to fall for any of Connor's shenanigans.

The soundtrack should bring you smiles, with good old nostalgic stuff like "I'll Keep Holding On" by Simply Red and "Burning Love" by Elvis.

For all of its IMPLIED casual sex (it's a PG-13 flick, remember) Ghost Of Girlfriends Past is selling the old-fashioned tenet that love conquers all--and there's enough sweet sentimentality here to bring a little tear to the eye of even the most jaded lothario who thinks he's having too much fun (and probably is).

GRADE: B

YES MAN

Yes Man is a formulaic romantic comedy--but the formula, which is to turn Jim Carrey loose for all of the pratfalls and spasmodic creativity he's noted for--works splendidly in a script where just about anything goes.

Carrey is Carl Allen, a man mired in negativity. He's reeling from his recent divorce, and his career is going nowhere. He avoids socializing with his friends--he'd rather hang out at the video store.(I can identify with that!) Then he finds himself at a seminar run by a fanatical guru named Terrence (Terence Stamp) who exhorts his followers to say YES to every possibility. Carl drinks the Kool-Aid, and his personality is transformed.

This is where the laughs get rolling.

Because he can't say no, Carl gives a ride to a homeless guy. (I won't reveal what happens, but it's one of the quirky/funnier scenes in the movie.) Carl ends up out of gas and stranded. We'd all view that as being a bummer, but that's when he meets Allison, (Zooey Deschanel) a free-spirit who writes off-beat lyrics and sings with a band. On Allison's motorbike, the two of them embark on a series of adventures and misadventures that will test the limits of Carl's new philosophy and his fledgling romance with Allison.

Deschanel is right for this part--she's just so darn wholesome looking and cute that I am hereby declaring that ZOOEY DESCHANEL IS THE NEW MEG RYAN! (The OLD Meg Ryan still has plenty left in the tank, but she'll have to be replaced eventually.)

There are some interesting philosophical issues in play here. In line with Buddhist thinking is the idea that what may initially be interpreted as an unfortunate occurrence may, in time, turn out to be just the opposite. And something we're going ape-shit with ecstacy over (like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch) might come back to bite us on the butt, because all of the future ramifications have yet to be revealed.

Brainwashing of any sort--whether it stems from religious dogma or military-style indoctrination that induces one to follow orders blindly and disregard one's own moral or ethical compass--denies the existential responsibility of making up your own mind in compliance with that little thing called your conscience. Saying yes to everything would undoubtedly open up a whole new world of possibilities--but, as Carl soon learns, it also exposes him to those who would take unfair advantage.

Who woulda thunk that a Jim Carrey movie would be this deep?

GRADE: B

The Best Bumper Sticker I've Seen Today:

USE GITMO FOR BANKERS

THE WRESTLER (now playing at home where the wrestling is behind closed doors)

I'll admit it. I wanted to see The Wrestler to feast my eyes upon Marisa Tomei in her role as a stripper as much as any other reason--those reasons being the buzz that it was an excellent film, and Mickey Rourke's Oscar nomination for Best Actor.

Rourke is Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a professional wrestler of some note whose best days are behind him. Tomei is "Cassidy," an aging stripper whose friendship (and budding romance) with Randy progresses in halting fashion, as she second guesses herself all the way. Randy's wrestling gigs are few and far between. He gets locked out of his trailer for non-payment of rent, and has to supplement his income with a demeaning job behind a deli counter--where his flowing locks are reigned in by a hair net, and his patience is tried by fickle customers.

For everything he's been through, The Ram's mellow demeanor and sense of humor stay intact, for the most part, and this is why Rourke's performance was Oscar worthy--he played Randy as a gentle giant with a heart. The relationship (or non-relationship) with the wrestler's estranged daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) is the subplot that's as bittersweet as they come.

True wrestling fans will not be disappointed with the action here. We know that pro wrestling is "fake" in that the moves are choregraphed and the outcome is predetermined, but the pounding physical punishment these guys endure is real. But I'd have preferred a little less ring action and a little more development of Tomei's character, which remains flat. We don't learn what motivates her or what she really wants out of life. HOWEVAH...there's something intriguing about an established star, who doesn't normally appear in the buff, putting it all out there for the sake of art. (Though the continuity of the film suffers when you have to keep pressing rewind on your remote, hitting pause, and zooming in to try to get the best view of her--but that's the cross we bear as red-blooded all American guys!)

While Randy's fate plays out in the way we might expect--given the events leading up to the final scene--Cassidy is more or less left hanging in the wind. In my view, she's the more tragic figure of the two. They've each plopped all of their eggs into one basket, but Randy LIVES for wrestling, so he doesn't care--he's going to put it all on the line for one last shot at glory. Whereas Cassidy, like many in her profession, feels that what she does is beneath her--it's not who she is. They all seem to have a plan (don't ask me how I know this) to put enough money together to get a fresh start doing something else, but it doesn't alway pan out that way. Cassidy's no spring chicken, and it appears she's been trading on her looks for some time. The desperation of "Where do I go from here?" is setting in.

As far as Marisa Tomei taking on this kind of role, I don't believe an actor is going to accept a part that he or she can't identify with in some way, and Tomei's dancing scenes prove that she can sleaze it up with the best of them. It must have been a relief to finally get that out of her system!

Ultimately, what The Wrestler is about is the hand that fate typically deals to those who are more adept at using their bodies than their minds.

GRADE: B+