A CURE FOR WELLNESS (2017)

Rated: R

STARS: Dane DeHaan, Jason Isaacs, Mia Goth
DIRECTOR: Gore Verbinski
GENRE: Horror/Thriller

If I had checked beforehand to see that The Cure For Wellness was two and a half hours long, I never would have agreed to see it in the first place. But on the strength of Jill having a thing for the lead actor, I said what the hell. I have since realized that I need to be WAY more discriminating in my film choices!!!

Lockhart (Dane DeHaan) is a young finance director for a blatantly greedy corporate entity who travels to a mysterious rehab facility in the Swiss alps to retrieve the company's CEO, who seems to have gotten hung up there and doesn't want to come back. He has some difficulty locating the head honcho within the facility, and before you know it, Lockhart, in classic horror/thriller fashion, finds himself an unwitting patient instead of a visitor. What's keeping him there is whatever is in the water that everyone is encouraged to partake of profusely. Stupid horror flick mistake number one: When you go to another country, don't drink the water!

There's a backstory about the "wellness center" being built on the ruins of a castle that was inhabited by a baron who wanted an heir of pure blood, so he gets it on with his sister. The villagers learn of this debauchery and come with their torches ablaze--the villagers are always carrying torches in every B movie since Frankenstein--and burn the place down. This all has much relevance to the current bizarro director of the spa, Dr. Heinrich Volmer (Jason Isaacs), and off we go into one of those so-and-so-is-the-reincarnation-of so-and-so things and it's not very original but may appeal to those who love that time weathered plot.

Lockhart meets a strange teenage girl with haunted eyes named Hannah (Mia Goth) who is also "taking the cure," but in fact has been held there, apparently, for all of her days. (Mia Goth is a 23 year-old actress playing a girl of fifteen or so, and she passes believably for that age. She and Jesse Eisenberg should get together and they could play Hansel and Gretel in some film and both of them would just totally look the part.)

So on we go, cuz there's a lot of time to fill, and in time-worn fashion we will find out if Lockhart can extricate himself and the man he came to find from all the weirdness that is going on at the facility--facing roadblocks at every turn, of course. And will he and Hannah ride off into the sunset together--or in this case go drink beer in some pub at the foot of the mountain.

It's not as interesting or as thrilling as I'm making it sound. A good horror flick makes you jump when you least expect it. And it's oooooh scary.  A Cure For Wellness isn't scary. It's just creepy. Really creepy. It pulls out all the stops to bring you cringe-worthy realism depicting heinous and gory cruelty to humans and animals alike. What's the point?  There is no point to this movie, other than to titillate in the cheapest kind of way.  Style over substance. But I'll give them points for style. In fact during the last half hour, I was contemplating giving the film an F, and then I softened some because it's such a totally demented romp that you have to laugh and shake your head and give them credit for doing what they obviously set out to do. The only thing missing is Vincent Price and his blood-curdling laugh from Michael Jackson's "Thriller."    

Grade:  D

JILL'S TAKE

Recently, Tim pointed out to me that several of my reviews say essentially the same thing.  That I'm confused, confounded and don't really "get" what the film is about. Since consistency is something I seriously value, A Cure For Wellness also left me bewildered, bothered but definitely NOT bewitched. It did, however, deliver some scary moments. And as long-running as the movie was, I didn't get bored. Or sleepy.

They pulled out all the stops. Including our handsome hero dashing up and down stairs on crutches due to a broken leg, trying to escape his captors. (I bet Dane DeHaan had to practice that routine a lot!) If you, as a viewer, are the least bit squeamish about watching a graphic sex scene between father and daughter—mind you they are over 200 years old but have somehow managed to stay young-looking—I urge you to pass on this film. (Maybe a better title would have been "Kinkiness From The Crypt"?)

But I do have a thing for the lead actor. Ever since I saw him playing James Dean in the 2015 movie Life. He hooked me even further when I came across him again in the HBO series "In Treatment." But an actor doesn't necessarily make a movie worth seeing...(And as I watched Tim squirm uncomfortably in his seat, convinced that he was about to walk out of the theater, I felt a bit sheepish for talking him into this pseudo scare fest.)

I did love Benjamin Wallfisch's creepy score, though. It added immensely to the tensions of each off-the-wall moment. And let's face, if you want to escape reality, logic and clean living, this movie will do the trick.

Grade: C

THE REVENANT (2015)

Rated:  R

STARS: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, Domhnall Gleeson, Will Poulter, Forrest Goodluck 
DIRECTOR: Alejandro Inarritu
GENRE: Drama/Action-Adventure

The best and most technically impressive scene in The Revenant comes early on when Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Hugh Glass--one of a cadre of 19th century fur trappers out in the woods slaughtering animals for fun and profit--gets mauled by a gigantic CG bear from hell. Not just mauled, but f--ked up to within an inch of his life. Any normal person wouldn't survive. But this is DiCaprio, the star of the film, so we know he's going to pull through. And that's a big flaw in terms of killing any suspense there might have been as to the ultimate outcome of the encounter.   

Glass recovers in achingly protracted fashion, and sets off to find the man--John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy)--who left him out there for dead in the snow. It's a simple tale of survival and revenge--a grisly, bloody, ultra violent tour-de-force from director Alejandro Inarritu, who is shooting for his second Best Picture Oscar in as many years. (Birdman in 2014).  But if non-stop gore isn't your cup of tea and you're looking for something of more depth, I suggest you see Brooklyn instead. 

The Revenant is also nominated in a slew of other categories, including Best Actor for Leonardo DiCaprio. If there were an Oscar for grimacing, grunting, groaning, spitting up and straining to speak unintelligibly, DiCaprio would certainly deserve it.  If there were an award for physical exertion, he'd deserve that as well. And if there were a Best Performance While Gnawing On Raw Animal Flesh...he would win hands down!  But Best Actor? Not this turn.

The Revenant DOES deserve--and should win--the trophies for Cinematography, Film Editing, Sound Editing, and Visual Effects. Best Picture? My vote still goes to Brooklyn. 

Oh, and I sat patiently through the entire scroll of credits at the end--nearly as long as a short film in itself--waiting to see the reassuring "no animals were harmed" notation at the end. It didn't appear. Never a good sign. 

Grade: B -


JILL'S TAKE

Sometimes, when I see a film, an actor's performance makes me say to myself (or the stranger sitting next to me!), "That actor's gonna win an Oscar!" I felt this way about Tom Hardy in The Revenant. He was as deliciously villainous in his role as Anthony Hopkins was in Silence Of The Lambs. If it had been back in the days of silent movies, I'll bet the audience would've been booing him in every scene. Alas, his competitors in Best Supporting Actor this year (Christian Bale, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Rylance and Sylvestor Stallone) will probably prevent Tom Hardy from winning. But he definitely deserves the award.

As for The Revenant? A brilliant film deserving of the 12 Oscar nominations it received. Grunting and mumbling aside, Leo's performance in this 156-minute film is certainly Oscar-worthy. If for nothing else, his physical stamina. I personally liked the fact that it took so long—in cinematic terms—for him to recover. And in that time, we were treated to some of the most visually stunning nature photography I've ever seen. It's nearly impossible to believe that this same director filmed Birdman -- which took place largely in dressing rooms and on stage.

I can't heap enough praise on this movie. And when DiCaprio accepted his win at The Golden Globes ceremony, I was gratified to hear him thank all the Native Americans that helped make the film possible. I'd like to come up with a criticism, no matter how minor, but I'm finding it difficult to do. Perhaps the title could have been less obscure. A friend told me it meant "someone who seeks revenge." But when I looked it up, the definition read: "a person who has returned, especially from the dead." Either definition works. But obscure movie titles aren't my thing.

Grade: A

  

KICK-ASS--2010

Rated: R

Stars: Aaron Johnson, Chloe Moretz, Nicholas Cage, Mark Strong

Director: Matthew Vaughn

Genre: Action, Dark Comedy

We've been conditioned to the same formula for comic book superheroes ever since Clark Kent ducked into that phone booth, donned those form-fitting tights, and went out to kick some ass. So when a comic-adaptation film like Kick Ass comes along where this nerdy kid gets a mail-order superhero costume, hits the streets to engage the bad guys, only to discover that he has no latent super-normal abilities and is running only on bravado--and, of course, sheer stupidity--we keep expecting SOMETHING to kick in to give him an edge when some truly bad dudes start mopping the floor with his sorry ass. This endears him to us all the more, because he's just like most of us everyday stiffs who are trying to live an honorable life and are appalled by some of the stuff that goes down in the world (only his cojones are bigger than most!)

When his exploits make the headlines, Kick Ass--which is what hapless teen Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) has dubbed his alter-ego-- spawns a couple of more effective caped crusaders in the dad/daughter duo of Hit Girl, (Chloe Moretz) and her somewhat off-kilter father, Big Daddy, (Nicholas Cage) who come to bail Kick-Ass out when he has drawn the attention and the ire of ruthless crime syndicate boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong).

The violence and the splatter-gore of Kick-Ass (based on the comic by Mark Millar) can only be described as cartoonish--it's so over the top it makes Sam Peckinpah look like Walt Disney, and can't be taken seriously. And yet, one could make a case that it's just one more milestone on the to-hell-in-a-hand-basket road of numbness and moral decay our society is headed down.

Another controversy-sparking milestone in Kick-Ass has to be what comes out of 11-year old Chloe Moretz's mouth--and yet she's adorable as Hit Girl, even when the F-bombs and other choice epithets begin to fly. After a while it occurred to me that yeah, that IS the way eleven-year olds (and younger) talk. Anyone who doesn't believe it hasn't listened to the kids who pile off the school bus in front of my house on a daily basis.

Despite all that, Kick-Ass is a movie that will bring out the latent superhero in you...all you'll have to do is decide which silly looking costume to wear.

Grade: B +