SERIOUS MOONLIGHT (R) (now playing at home where you'll never look at sitting on the can quite the same again)

STARS: Meg Ryan, Timothy Hutton, Kristen Bell

DIRECTOR: Cheryl Hines

How far would you go to convince your spouse of a truth he just couldn't see? In Serious Moonlight, Louise (Meg Ryan) is a Manhattan lawyer married 13 years to Ian, (Timothy Hutton) who just happens to be planning to abscond to Paris with his young mistress, Sara (Kristen Bell).

Louise shows up unexpectedly at their country house as Ian is composing his "Dear John" letter to her, and he reluctantly comes clean about his intentions. Convinced that her husband is temporarily blinded by infatuation, and not ready to shoot thirteen years down the sewer just like that, Louise cold-cocks him with a potted plant as he is walking out the door. While he is knocked out, Ian becomes all wrapped up in himself because his wife has duct taped him hand and foot. Learning that she intends to keep him immobilized until he comes to his senses and professes his love for her again, he requests that she at least set him on the toilet, which, like the good wife, she does--with his pants down. (I'm tempted to call this "potty humor," but that would be a crappy pun.)

Ian tries to cajole, sweet talk, and curse and yell his way out of his predicament--all to no avail. Louise--maniacally convinced of her version of reality-- bakes him cookies, reminisces, and even runs a slide show of old times as she argues her case. Will it work?

When Louise splits the scene for a short while, an opportunistic young burglar (Justin Long) shows up. Things turn a little mean (as befitting a dark comedy) when the burglar roughs the helpless husband up a bit, and even imparts some some scathing advice on relationships.

Both Louise and Sara--who has dropped by because she hasn't heard from Ian--will ironically end up in the same sticky duct tape predicament, courtesy of Todd the burglar. (Louise gets felt up a couple of times by the ill-mannered intruder--some cheap thrills for Meg Ryan fantasizers.) Todd trashes the place with his friends and then takes off, leaving the threesome to try to maneuver themselves free, and Ian to sort out his feelings for each of the women.

Meg Ryan--always a fine comic actress--is impishly and wickedly funny in this one. Kristen Bell, a good character actress, but not poised to be a leading lady--just yet (see my review of When In Rome) is fittingly cast as the "other bimbo." Timothy Hutton shows amazing forbearance, because he was lashed to that crapper and immobilized for up to twelve hours at a time during filming.

Serious Moonlight raises some intriguing philosophical questions about how far one should go to try to "save" another person from themselves. Penned by the late Adrienne Shelly, it has the intimate feel of a stage play. It's one of those rare little gems you don't expect to find, but end up grinning from ear to ear when you do. And Serious Moonlight has one of the coolest surprise endings ever!

P.S. More so than any other recent review I've written, people from all over the world have have been checking out this one, and they've been curious about one thing: THE ENDING!

While I can't overtly reveal what the ending of Serious Moonlight means-- for the sake of those who haven't yet seen it--the answer to your question, for those who have seen it, is...YES!

GRADE : B+

CRAZY HEART ( R)

STARS: Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal

DIRECTOR: Scott Cooper

Not everybody could play a besotted, country music has-been as effectively as Jeff Bridges (not even most besotted, has-been country singers--they'd probably be too self-conscious to get as down and dirty, and slovenly, and pukingly REAL as Jeff gets in this movie).

In Crazy Heart, Bridges is Bad Blake--a hard drinking, chain smoking, peeing in a bottle as he drives along, married four or five times, fifty-seven year old mess--playing gigs in bars and bowling alleys throughout the southwest, where a few people still remember and revere him from his glory days. Indicative of how far he has fallen: At one stop he is offered all the free bowling he wants, but isn't allowed to run up a bar tab because his reputation as a drunk precedes him. But even sweaty, unkempt, antediluvian performers can still draw the aging groupies, (who are attracted to name recognition like Kirstie Alley is magnetically drawn to an ice cream sundae) and Bad still does alright with the one night stands.

But when he meets local Santa Fe newspaper reporter Jean Craddock, (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who seems to be drawn in to his orbit in a similar way, there's a chance for some stability to come into his life. Jean is a divorcee with a four year old son--and Bad's undeveloped father instinct kicks in. (He is estranged from his own son, now 28 years old.)

Crazy Heart is ultimately a film about redemption--and how, when given something to live for, even those of us in free-fall can be motivated to clean up our acts. But it's also about the irreparable damage a life of excess can cause, and the inevitable consequences thereof. The past is precursor to the present.

Bridges deserves his Best Actor Oscar nomination for this one, and appears to be the favorite going in. And Gyllenhaal's superb, heartfelt performance garnered her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

Colin Farrel is believable as Tommy Sweet, Bad Blake's former guitar player and protege, who has now surpassed his mentor and become a major star in the modern world of slick, indistinct "country" music. Sweet holds the key to a possible comeback for his aging guru.

Robert Duvall has a turn as Blake's bartender buddy, an authentic good ole boy who has Bad's best interests at heart.

The music in Crazy Heart is as good as the acting. With songs provided by producer T-Bone Burnett, Jeff Bridges does his own singing and has his act down. And when the band got rolling, I wouldn't have complained if they'd played a whole set before the plot picked up again. In fact, Bridges could have a successful side career as a REAL country singer if he wanted to. That is, if anybody wanted to hear real country music anymore. Kanye was right...who the hell is Taylor Swift, anyway?

Crazy Heart is a small, unpretentious film that will cast a big shadow--all the way to the Academy Awards in March.

GRADE: B+

WHEN IN ROME (PG-13)

STARS: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel

DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson

Ah, the ambience of Rome. The fountains, the statues, the ruins, the pigeons, the pigeon poop...WAIT A MINUTE! Why does a movie called When In Rome take place primarily in New York City? In fact, the actual scenes of Rome are few and far between--just like the laughs in this dreadful, made for nothing but profit disappointment.

Geez, I really need to start being more selective.

Kristen Bell is Beth, curator at the Guggenheim museum in New York. She travels to Italy to attend her sister's wedding. Sis is getting hitched to this Italian guy she's known all of two weeks. (Those Mediterranean dudes ARE persuasive!) Still reeling from a failed relationship, Beth gets drunk and totters into the Fountain of Love, where she lifts five coins that were tossed there by hopeless romantics looking for amore. But legend has it that if you take someone's coin, that person will fall head over heels for you.

Thus begins an odyssey where these four weirdos, who've become magically smitten, stalk Beth back to New York. What transpires there is supposed to be funny, bit it's not. The fifth coin apparently belongs to sportswriter Nick, (Josh Duhamel) best man at the wedding, where he and Beth have a mild flirtation. But then, Beth sees him with this Italian babe...

Cut to the chase. Will Nick and Beth get on the same page long enough to end up in connubial bliss? Or will the four weirdos who are pursuing her around New York (Danny DeVito-- as a sausage magnate--is one of them) become such a distraction that our romantic leads fall short of the runway? (Or in this case, the bed.)

In my opinion, neither Kristen Bell nor Josh Duhamel have the charisma to carry a film--even one that falls flat on its face in the middle of a fountain where naked cherubs are piddling on it. Watching When In Rome has made me so disgusted about what some people are willing to do just to make a profit, I'm vowing not to watch another formulaic romantic comedy this year... unless, of course, Zooey Deschanel is in it.

GRADE : F

TIMOTEO SEZ...

ON THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS:

THE HURT LOCKER...Another movie about stuff getting blown up. How original.

AVATAR...Or you could just go and see the Blue Man Group.

PRECIOUS...Gritty, like when you bite into some dirt when you're chewing your spinach.

A SERIOUS MAN...Don't take it too seriously.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS...Hey, if they can't even spell the two words in the title correctly, how intelligent can it be?

UP...The only cartoons I liked were Mister Magoo and Daffy Duck.

DISTRICT 9...Crustacean-like aliens addicted to cat food. Deep.

AN EDUCATION...I got my education behind the barn.

UP IN THE AIR...More down to earth than you might expect.

THE BLIND SIDE...I'm still peeved with Sandra Bullock for promoting her "nude" scene in The Proposal, when all you could see were knock-knees and strategically placed arms and hands.

What SHOULD win: DISTRICT 9

What WILL WIN: Something else.

A PERFECT GETAWAY -- Rated R

STARS: Steve Zahn, Milla Jovovich

DIRECTOR: David Twohy

In the great WTF? tradition of The Sixth Sense and Passengers, comes A Perfect Getaway-- a movie that is conning you most of the way through, until you get to where...GOTCHA dumb-ass, nothing is what you think it is! And even though I saw the main plot twist coming a LITTLE ways before it was revealed, I still couldn't help flogging myself with a cat o' nine tails, sobbing, "If only you'd paid more attention in the first few minutes, Sluggo! Anyhoo, I'll bet YOU don't pick up on those SUBTLE clues at the beginning either--and that's what screenwriter/director David Twohy is banking on.

Cliff and Cydney (Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich) are newlyweds honeymooning in Hawaii--hiking to a secluded beach in Kauai to camp overnight. Word reaches them that another couple has been murdered on a different island, and the authorities are looking for a man and a woman as the primary suspects. It's paranoia time when Cliff and Cydney run into a spooky couple trying to hitch a ride--and again when they hook up with Nick, (Timothy Olyphant) an Iraq war vet with a big sheathed knife, and his nude sunbathing girlfriend Gina, (Kiele Sanchez) who used to be a butcher.

Ostensibly, everyone is suspecting everyone, and the suspense builds...until the aforementioned BIG PLOT TWIST. Then, A Perfect Getaway kicks into edge-of-your-seat, action/thriller mode until its conclusion--and enjoyably so I might add. But when it came to evaluating motives, I was left asking WHY? Was I not paying enough attention, or was it that Twohy's script wanted to keep things a little murky? That's where having the DVD is to your advantage-you can view the film again with a more careful eye. (I haven't yet done so--I've had important stuff to do--like SCRATCHING MYSELF and SLEEPING.)

And you might have guessed that A Perfect Getaway, like many of the flicks I see, triggered one of my pet peeves. It's the one about why do the movies and TV sitcoms often team a hot looking woman with a dorky looking guy? (In this case it's Zahn and Jovovich.) As if that's the way it could be in real life, unless the dude is using C-notes to light his cigars. TVs prime example of this is King Of Queens, where super-babe Leah Remini is paired with big meatball Kevin James. In your DREAMS! I think the meatball screenwriters and directors are just indulging their own fantasies.

Another advantage of the DVD is it lets you choose between the theatrical version and the director's cut--which contains added stuff not included in the original version. Opt for the director's cut, unless you want to see LESS of Mila Jovovich and Kiele Sanchez.

GRADE : B

LEGION (R)

STARS: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black, Kevin Durand

DIRECTOR: Scott Stewart

So what is God gonna do when he gets tired of all the bull doo-doo from these vile, egregious humans? He gonna send some angels (who are more like hit-men) down to kick some serious BUTT--dat what he gonna do! Of course, if you're going to buy into the premise of Legion, the new action/thriller from director Scott Stewart, you must assume that God is a dude who gets pissed-off and likes to destroy people and stuff at whim--rather than the idea that God is Love. (But if He didn't want us to work it all out on our own, then why did He give us free will...hmmm?)

Pat Robertson-esque theology aside, the plot of Legion centers around a group of diverse personalities holed up in a remote desert diner: There's Bob, the owner of this rundown dump (Dennis Quaid) ; his kindhearted son, Jeep (Lucas Black) ; an unmarried pregnant girl named Charlie, whom Jeep has befriended (Adrianne Palicki) ; and a few other stereotypes, including a middle aged married couple (she's a drama queen) and their sexy young daughter, and an enigmatic stranger who only stopped to make a phone call.

The group is befriended by the angel Michael, (Paul Bettany) who originally came down to instigate something of an apocalypse on the orders of "God," but had a change of heart (there's that free will operating again) and now thinks that humans are worth saving. (He must have gotten a eye full of Shakira.) But he's not the kind of angel you'd like to have as your guardian--he attracts the wrong element--namely, an army of other angels who have possessed the bodies of ordinary folk and now look and act like half zombie and half Jim Carrey in The Mask. They're after Charlie's baby who, as it turns out, is going to be the only human hope left to save the world--though we haven't a clue as to why an airheaded, smoking-while-she's-pregnant bimbo would be chosen as his mother. But none of the bunch at the diner knows this initially--they're just told to shoot first (with automatic weapons that Michael has supplied) and ask questions later. Michael has his own battle looming with the angel Gabriel, (Kevin Durand) who is doing old irate God's bidding by leading the assault on the diner.

The audience at the showing I attended snickered at some of the unintentionally funny stuff in this movie, highlighted by Jeanette Miller's performance as an initially kindly old lady who transforms into a gutter mouthed, neck biting, wall climbing monstrosity. Senior citizens are noted for getting CRANKY at times, but this lady takes the cake!

And why in the world, when we're so far beyond "Beam me up, Scotty," do the angels still have to have WINGS in all of these films--do they think audiences are so unsophisticated we can't just accept that So and So is an angel--even though he looks pretty much like everyone else? Plainly put, it looks stupid.

Nonetheless, Legion has some decent action scenes, as director Scott Stewart's background is in special effects, and there's enough suspense to keep you hanging around to see if there really might be any hope left of saving the world...or whether we're all massively screwed.

GRADE : C+

Retro Revisited: BEYOND RANGOON (1995) and THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY (1982)

John Boorman's Beyond Rangoon had been on my list to watch for a while, and when I finally got around to seeing it, I was blown away--and not just because there's stuff exploding all over the place. Set in 1988, and based on actual events, it's the story of young doctor Laura Bowman, (Patricia Arquette) a grieving widow whose husband and son were murdered. She sets about on a guided tour of Burma--thinking that perhaps she can gain some spiritual perspective in a land where big stone Buddhas are all over the place. But there's political unrest in the country--it's military leaders cracking down on pro-democracy protesters. When Laura loses her passport, she's in for a longer than expected stay. One thing leads to another and she falls in with dissident students and a former professor (Ang Ko) who is being targeted by the brutal regime. When he gets shot, it becomes a race against time. Constantly dodging bullets, he's trying to get her to the Thai border so she can escape the country, while she's trying desperately to find him the proper medical care.

Beyond Rangoon is a captivating film, underscored by a lush and haunting soundtrack from Hans Zimmer. And Patricia Arquette (even though she doesn't show any skin) was totally hot in this movie. Something about those nostrils that flare whenever she's in immediate peril.

Watching Beyond Rangoon, I was immediately reminded of another of my favorite films: The Year of Living Dangerously with Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver--directed by Peter Weir. The similarities between these two movies could not be ignored, and so I watched The Year of Living Dangerously again (for the fourth time) . It pointed out to me that I am fond of a certain type of flick that doesn't have a distinct genre, (other than "political thriller," I suppose) but is marked by the following characteristics:

1. Exotic locale

2. Political turmoil in the region

3. Protagonists working through their own personal stuff against the backdrop of a situation spiraling out of control and growing danger to themselves.

In The Year of Living Dangerously, set in the 60s, Guy Hamilton (Mel Gibson) is a young Australian journalist newly assigned to his post in Jakarta, Indonesia --where poverty is widespread and there is mounting political opposition to president Sukarno. Hamilton teams with local photographer Billy Kwan, (the diminutive Linda Hunt--totally convincing as a male dwarf) who has some inside contacts and helps Hamilton break a big story. With civil war brewing in the country, the reporter meets British embassy officer Jill Bryant, (Sigourney Weaver--who is also totally hot in this flick) and a budding romance ensues--even though she's returning to the UK in a couple of weeks. When Jill drops some sensitive information (about a communist arms shipment headed for Jakarta) on Guy, she thinks it will be held in confidence, but he puts his career first and decides to run with the story--letting the chips fall where they may and trying to undo the damage it does to their relationship later.

There is great chemistry between Gibson and Weaver here--some even called them a modern day Bogart and Bacall. And Linda Hunt gives a bravura performance (for which she scored an Oscar) as Billy, a devoted but troubled soul who is about to go off the deep end. Spellbinding music is contributed by Maurice Jarre, with a little Jerry Lee Lewis mixed in to stir things up !

That Patricia Arquette (star of the TV series Medium) and Sigourney Weaver were both foxy in these films--and couldn't exactly be described that way now--has not so much to do with age as the unflattering (indeed ghastly) hair styles they've chosen for themselves recently. Contrary to the belief that runs rampant among the fair sex, EVERY woman doesn't look great in EVERY type of hair style--and experimenting willy-nilly with your hair, ladies, will eventually lead to disaster. So please allow me to suggest as gently as I can: IF IT LOOKS GOOD, LEAVE THE DAMN HAIR ALONE ! (A major pet-peeve of mine--and lots of guys who won't be as honest with you as I am, for fear of getting hit in the head by a swinging purse...but I digress.)

Beyond Rangoon and The Year of Living Dangerously are two films I highly recommend for those who love the romance of drama...the drama of romance. (What else is there?) See them in tandem to get the full effect.