CRAZY HEART ( R)

STARS: Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal

DIRECTOR: Scott Cooper

Not everybody could play a besotted, country music has-been as effectively as Jeff Bridges (not even most besotted, has-been country singers--they'd probably be too self-conscious to get as down and dirty, and slovenly, and pukingly REAL as Jeff gets in this movie).

In Crazy Heart, Bridges is Bad Blake--a hard drinking, chain smoking, peeing in a bottle as he drives along, married four or five times, fifty-seven year old mess--playing gigs in bars and bowling alleys throughout the southwest, where a few people still remember and revere him from his glory days. Indicative of how far he has fallen: At one stop he is offered all the free bowling he wants, but isn't allowed to run up a bar tab because his reputation as a drunk precedes him. But even sweaty, unkempt, antediluvian performers can still draw the aging groupies, (who are attracted to name recognition like Kirstie Alley is magnetically drawn to an ice cream sundae) and Bad still does alright with the one night stands.

But when he meets local Santa Fe newspaper reporter Jean Craddock, (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who seems to be drawn in to his orbit in a similar way, there's a chance for some stability to come into his life. Jean is a divorcee with a four year old son--and Bad's undeveloped father instinct kicks in. (He is estranged from his own son, now 28 years old.)

Crazy Heart is ultimately a film about redemption--and how, when given something to live for, even those of us in free-fall can be motivated to clean up our acts. But it's also about the irreparable damage a life of excess can cause, and the inevitable consequences thereof. The past is precursor to the present.

Bridges deserves his Best Actor Oscar nomination for this one, and appears to be the favorite going in. And Gyllenhaal's superb, heartfelt performance garnered her a nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

Colin Farrel is believable as Tommy Sweet, Bad Blake's former guitar player and protege, who has now surpassed his mentor and become a major star in the modern world of slick, indistinct "country" music. Sweet holds the key to a possible comeback for his aging guru.

Robert Duvall has a turn as Blake's bartender buddy, an authentic good ole boy who has Bad's best interests at heart.

The music in Crazy Heart is as good as the acting. With songs provided by producer T-Bone Burnett, Jeff Bridges does his own singing and has his act down. And when the band got rolling, I wouldn't have complained if they'd played a whole set before the plot picked up again. In fact, Bridges could have a successful side career as a REAL country singer if he wanted to. That is, if anybody wanted to hear real country music anymore. Kanye was right...who the hell is Taylor Swift, anyway?

Crazy Heart is a small, unpretentious film that will cast a big shadow--all the way to the Academy Awards in March.

GRADE: B+

WHEN IN ROME (PG-13)

STARS: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel

DIRECTOR: Mark Steven Johnson

Ah, the ambience of Rome. The fountains, the statues, the ruins, the pigeons, the pigeon poop...WAIT A MINUTE! Why does a movie called When In Rome take place primarily in New York City? In fact, the actual scenes of Rome are few and far between--just like the laughs in this dreadful, made for nothing but profit disappointment.

Geez, I really need to start being more selective.

Kristen Bell is Beth, curator at the Guggenheim museum in New York. She travels to Italy to attend her sister's wedding. Sis is getting hitched to this Italian guy she's known all of two weeks. (Those Mediterranean dudes ARE persuasive!) Still reeling from a failed relationship, Beth gets drunk and totters into the Fountain of Love, where she lifts five coins that were tossed there by hopeless romantics looking for amore. But legend has it that if you take someone's coin, that person will fall head over heels for you.

Thus begins an odyssey where these four weirdos, who've become magically smitten, stalk Beth back to New York. What transpires there is supposed to be funny, bit it's not. The fifth coin apparently belongs to sportswriter Nick, (Josh Duhamel) best man at the wedding, where he and Beth have a mild flirtation. But then, Beth sees him with this Italian babe...

Cut to the chase. Will Nick and Beth get on the same page long enough to end up in connubial bliss? Or will the four weirdos who are pursuing her around New York (Danny DeVito-- as a sausage magnate--is one of them) become such a distraction that our romantic leads fall short of the runway? (Or in this case, the bed.)

In my opinion, neither Kristen Bell nor Josh Duhamel have the charisma to carry a film--even one that falls flat on its face in the middle of a fountain where naked cherubs are piddling on it. Watching When In Rome has made me so disgusted about what some people are willing to do just to make a profit, I'm vowing not to watch another formulaic romantic comedy this year... unless, of course, Zooey Deschanel is in it.

GRADE : F

TIMOTEO SEZ...

ON THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS:

THE HURT LOCKER...Another movie about stuff getting blown up. How original.

AVATAR...Or you could just go and see the Blue Man Group.

PRECIOUS...Gritty, like when you bite into some dirt when you're chewing your spinach.

A SERIOUS MAN...Don't take it too seriously.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS...Hey, if they can't even spell the two words in the title correctly, how intelligent can it be?

UP...The only cartoons I liked were Mister Magoo and Daffy Duck.

DISTRICT 9...Crustacean-like aliens addicted to cat food. Deep.

AN EDUCATION...I got my education behind the barn.

UP IN THE AIR...More down to earth than you might expect.

THE BLIND SIDE...I'm still peeved with Sandra Bullock for promoting her "nude" scene in The Proposal, when all you could see were knock-knees and strategically placed arms and hands.

What SHOULD win: DISTRICT 9

What WILL WIN: Something else.

A PERFECT GETAWAY -- Rated R

STARS: Steve Zahn, Milla Jovovich

DIRECTOR: David Twohy

In the great WTF? tradition of The Sixth Sense and Passengers, comes A Perfect Getaway-- a movie that is conning you most of the way through, until you get to where...GOTCHA dumb-ass, nothing is what you think it is! And even though I saw the main plot twist coming a LITTLE ways before it was revealed, I still couldn't help flogging myself with a cat o' nine tails, sobbing, "If only you'd paid more attention in the first few minutes, Sluggo! Anyhoo, I'll bet YOU don't pick up on those SUBTLE clues at the beginning either--and that's what screenwriter/director David Twohy is banking on.

Cliff and Cydney (Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich) are newlyweds honeymooning in Hawaii--hiking to a secluded beach in Kauai to camp overnight. Word reaches them that another couple has been murdered on a different island, and the authorities are looking for a man and a woman as the primary suspects. It's paranoia time when Cliff and Cydney run into a spooky couple trying to hitch a ride--and again when they hook up with Nick, (Timothy Olyphant) an Iraq war vet with a big sheathed knife, and his nude sunbathing girlfriend Gina, (Kiele Sanchez) who used to be a butcher.

Ostensibly, everyone is suspecting everyone, and the suspense builds...until the aforementioned BIG PLOT TWIST. Then, A Perfect Getaway kicks into edge-of-your-seat, action/thriller mode until its conclusion--and enjoyably so I might add. But when it came to evaluating motives, I was left asking WHY? Was I not paying enough attention, or was it that Twohy's script wanted to keep things a little murky? That's where having the DVD is to your advantage-you can view the film again with a more careful eye. (I haven't yet done so--I've had important stuff to do--like SCRATCHING MYSELF and SLEEPING.)

And you might have guessed that A Perfect Getaway, like many of the flicks I see, triggered one of my pet peeves. It's the one about why do the movies and TV sitcoms often team a hot looking woman with a dorky looking guy? (In this case it's Zahn and Jovovich.) As if that's the way it could be in real life, unless the dude is using C-notes to light his cigars. TVs prime example of this is King Of Queens, where super-babe Leah Remini is paired with big meatball Kevin James. In your DREAMS! I think the meatball screenwriters and directors are just indulging their own fantasies.

Another advantage of the DVD is it lets you choose between the theatrical version and the director's cut--which contains added stuff not included in the original version. Opt for the director's cut, unless you want to see LESS of Mila Jovovich and Kiele Sanchez.

GRADE : B

LEGION (R)

STARS: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black, Kevin Durand

DIRECTOR: Scott Stewart

So what is God gonna do when he gets tired of all the bull doo-doo from these vile, egregious humans? He gonna send some angels (who are more like hit-men) down to kick some serious BUTT--dat what he gonna do! Of course, if you're going to buy into the premise of Legion, the new action/thriller from director Scott Stewart, you must assume that God is a dude who gets pissed-off and likes to destroy people and stuff at whim--rather than the idea that God is Love. (But if He didn't want us to work it all out on our own, then why did He give us free will...hmmm?)

Pat Robertson-esque theology aside, the plot of Legion centers around a group of diverse personalities holed up in a remote desert diner: There's Bob, the owner of this rundown dump (Dennis Quaid) ; his kindhearted son, Jeep (Lucas Black) ; an unmarried pregnant girl named Charlie, whom Jeep has befriended (Adrianne Palicki) ; and a few other stereotypes, including a middle aged married couple (she's a drama queen) and their sexy young daughter, and an enigmatic stranger who only stopped to make a phone call.

The group is befriended by the angel Michael, (Paul Bettany) who originally came down to instigate something of an apocalypse on the orders of "God," but had a change of heart (there's that free will operating again) and now thinks that humans are worth saving. (He must have gotten a eye full of Shakira.) But he's not the kind of angel you'd like to have as your guardian--he attracts the wrong element--namely, an army of other angels who have possessed the bodies of ordinary folk and now look and act like half zombie and half Jim Carrey in The Mask. They're after Charlie's baby who, as it turns out, is going to be the only human hope left to save the world--though we haven't a clue as to why an airheaded, smoking-while-she's-pregnant bimbo would be chosen as his mother. But none of the bunch at the diner knows this initially--they're just told to shoot first (with automatic weapons that Michael has supplied) and ask questions later. Michael has his own battle looming with the angel Gabriel, (Kevin Durand) who is doing old irate God's bidding by leading the assault on the diner.

The audience at the showing I attended snickered at some of the unintentionally funny stuff in this movie, highlighted by Jeanette Miller's performance as an initially kindly old lady who transforms into a gutter mouthed, neck biting, wall climbing monstrosity. Senior citizens are noted for getting CRANKY at times, but this lady takes the cake!

And why in the world, when we're so far beyond "Beam me up, Scotty," do the angels still have to have WINGS in all of these films--do they think audiences are so unsophisticated we can't just accept that So and So is an angel--even though he looks pretty much like everyone else? Plainly put, it looks stupid.

Nonetheless, Legion has some decent action scenes, as director Scott Stewart's background is in special effects, and there's enough suspense to keep you hanging around to see if there really might be any hope left of saving the world...or whether we're all massively screwed.

GRADE : C+

Retro Revisited: BEYOND RANGOON (1995) and THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY (1982)

John Boorman's Beyond Rangoon had been on my list to watch for a while, and when I finally got around to seeing it, I was blown away--and not just because there's stuff exploding all over the place. Set in 1988, and based on actual events, it's the story of young doctor Laura Bowman, (Patricia Arquette) a grieving widow whose husband and son were murdered. She sets about on a guided tour of Burma--thinking that perhaps she can gain some spiritual perspective in a land where big stone Buddhas are all over the place. But there's political unrest in the country--it's military leaders cracking down on pro-democracy protesters. When Laura loses her passport, she's in for a longer than expected stay. One thing leads to another and she falls in with dissident students and a former professor (Ang Ko) who is being targeted by the brutal regime. When he gets shot, it becomes a race against time. Constantly dodging bullets, he's trying to get her to the Thai border so she can escape the country, while she's trying desperately to find him the proper medical care.

Beyond Rangoon is a captivating film, underscored by a lush and haunting soundtrack from Hans Zimmer. And Patricia Arquette (even though she doesn't show any skin) was totally hot in this movie. Something about those nostrils that flare whenever she's in immediate peril.

Watching Beyond Rangoon, I was immediately reminded of another of my favorite films: The Year of Living Dangerously with Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver--directed by Peter Weir. The similarities between these two movies could not be ignored, and so I watched The Year of Living Dangerously again (for the fourth time) . It pointed out to me that I am fond of a certain type of flick that doesn't have a distinct genre, (other than "political thriller," I suppose) but is marked by the following characteristics:

1. Exotic locale

2. Political turmoil in the region

3. Protagonists working through their own personal stuff against the backdrop of a situation spiraling out of control and growing danger to themselves.

In The Year of Living Dangerously, set in the 60s, Guy Hamilton (Mel Gibson) is a young Australian journalist newly assigned to his post in Jakarta, Indonesia --where poverty is widespread and there is mounting political opposition to president Sukarno. Hamilton teams with local photographer Billy Kwan, (the diminutive Linda Hunt--totally convincing as a male dwarf) who has some inside contacts and helps Hamilton break a big story. With civil war brewing in the country, the reporter meets British embassy officer Jill Bryant, (Sigourney Weaver--who is also totally hot in this flick) and a budding romance ensues--even though she's returning to the UK in a couple of weeks. When Jill drops some sensitive information (about a communist arms shipment headed for Jakarta) on Guy, she thinks it will be held in confidence, but he puts his career first and decides to run with the story--letting the chips fall where they may and trying to undo the damage it does to their relationship later.

There is great chemistry between Gibson and Weaver here--some even called them a modern day Bogart and Bacall. And Linda Hunt gives a bravura performance (for which she scored an Oscar) as Billy, a devoted but troubled soul who is about to go off the deep end. Spellbinding music is contributed by Maurice Jarre, with a little Jerry Lee Lewis mixed in to stir things up !

That Patricia Arquette (star of the TV series Medium) and Sigourney Weaver were both foxy in these films--and couldn't exactly be described that way now--has not so much to do with age as the unflattering (indeed ghastly) hair styles they've chosen for themselves recently. Contrary to the belief that runs rampant among the fair sex, EVERY woman doesn't look great in EVERY type of hair style--and experimenting willy-nilly with your hair, ladies, will eventually lead to disaster. So please allow me to suggest as gently as I can: IF IT LOOKS GOOD, LEAVE THE DAMN HAIR ALONE ! (A major pet-peeve of mine--and lots of guys who won't be as honest with you as I am, for fear of getting hit in the head by a swinging purse...but I digress.)

Beyond Rangoon and The Year of Living Dangerously are two films I highly recommend for those who love the romance of drama...the drama of romance. (What else is there?) See them in tandem to get the full effect.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (PG-13)

STARS: Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker

DIRECTOR: Marc Lawrence

It's an intriguing concept. A successful Manhattan couple, Paul and Meryl Morgan, (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) who are separated cuz she discovered that he did the nasty with another woman, witness the murder of a guy with mob connections. The hit man gets a good look at their faces, and later tries to track them down. So the government puts them in the federal witness protection program and ships them off to Where The Hell Am I, Wyoming. Thrown together again by fate, Paul attempts, awkwardly, to patch up their relationship, amidst ideology and culture clash with the local rednecks, who have little empathy for alternative lifestyles (she's a vegetarian and a PETA supporter) . Meanwhile, the relentless killer is on their trail, and it's only a matter of time before he sniffs them out.

But Did You Hear About The Morgans? is like a Cliff Notes version of a movie, with characters and a plot that aren't completely fleshed out. Meryl has strong convictions, but we're not shown what led her to them--the couple don't even have a cute little dog or a cat or a baboon or a marmoset, as far as we can tell. It's not surprising, though, that the omission was made, as mainstream film makers like to portray vegetarians as being airheads.

Hosted by local U.S. Marshal Clay Wheeler (Sam Elliott) and his Annie Oakley wife Emma, (Mary Steenburgen) our hapless couple is holed up in a cabin with animal trophy heads on the walls and a refrigerator crammed with meat. This sets up the "city slickers out of their element" gag to play throughout the rest of the film. To his credit, writer-director Marc Lawrence (Miss Congeniality) keeps the relationship theme central to the story, rather than turning the movie into an early referendum on the 2012 election--with a wild-eyed, moose blasting Sarah Palin battling for our hearts and minds against the progressive-minded Obamas (Michelle doesn't wear fur) . Both sides stick to their guns and the ideological divide is played mostly for chuckles.

But Did You Hear About the Morgans? takes too many shortcuts--as in when Paul encounters a cranky bear outside the cabin. Meryl, from inside, tries to relay instructions to him on what to do. He's caught between freezing in place or running for his life. It's an amusing bit (as only Grant can pull it off) until you detect that they've resorted to one of the oldest and cheapest cinematic tricks in the book--and that is to superimpose Paul against the backdrop of a screen (like they do with your local TV weatherman) where the bear is snarling menacingly, but Hugh Grant as Mr. Morgan is in no real danger because he's off in a studio somewhere. (Geez...you'd think they could have paid a stunt guy to have a fake tussle with a trained bear, for the sake of realism.) There IS some real courage demonstrated, though, and it comes from Sarah Jessica Parker, who allows herself to be filmed on a city street in the rain, with drenched hair and wearing no makeup. Sans cosmetics, she is strikingly plain-Jane. But it's another bogus scene cuz no upscale Manhattan babe is gonna be caught dead looking that way in public !

Did You Hear About the Morgans? isn't the worst movie I've ever seen...it's just the worst Hugh Grant or Sarah Jessica Parker movie I've seen.

GRADE: C +