LEGION (R)

STARS: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black, Kevin Durand

DIRECTOR: Scott Stewart

So what is God gonna do when he gets tired of all the bull doo-doo from these vile, egregious humans? He gonna send some angels (who are more like hit-men) down to kick some serious BUTT--dat what he gonna do! Of course, if you're going to buy into the premise of Legion, the new action/thriller from director Scott Stewart, you must assume that God is a dude who gets pissed-off and likes to destroy people and stuff at whim--rather than the idea that God is Love. (But if He didn't want us to work it all out on our own, then why did He give us free will...hmmm?)

Pat Robertson-esque theology aside, the plot of Legion centers around a group of diverse personalities holed up in a remote desert diner: There's Bob, the owner of this rundown dump (Dennis Quaid) ; his kindhearted son, Jeep (Lucas Black) ; an unmarried pregnant girl named Charlie, whom Jeep has befriended (Adrianne Palicki) ; and a few other stereotypes, including a middle aged married couple (she's a drama queen) and their sexy young daughter, and an enigmatic stranger who only stopped to make a phone call.

The group is befriended by the angel Michael, (Paul Bettany) who originally came down to instigate something of an apocalypse on the orders of "God," but had a change of heart (there's that free will operating again) and now thinks that humans are worth saving. (He must have gotten a eye full of Shakira.) But he's not the kind of angel you'd like to have as your guardian--he attracts the wrong element--namely, an army of other angels who have possessed the bodies of ordinary folk and now look and act like half zombie and half Jim Carrey in The Mask. They're after Charlie's baby who, as it turns out, is going to be the only human hope left to save the world--though we haven't a clue as to why an airheaded, smoking-while-she's-pregnant bimbo would be chosen as his mother. But none of the bunch at the diner knows this initially--they're just told to shoot first (with automatic weapons that Michael has supplied) and ask questions later. Michael has his own battle looming with the angel Gabriel, (Kevin Durand) who is doing old irate God's bidding by leading the assault on the diner.

The audience at the showing I attended snickered at some of the unintentionally funny stuff in this movie, highlighted by Jeanette Miller's performance as an initially kindly old lady who transforms into a gutter mouthed, neck biting, wall climbing monstrosity. Senior citizens are noted for getting CRANKY at times, but this lady takes the cake!

And why in the world, when we're so far beyond "Beam me up, Scotty," do the angels still have to have WINGS in all of these films--do they think audiences are so unsophisticated we can't just accept that So and So is an angel--even though he looks pretty much like everyone else? Plainly put, it looks stupid.

Nonetheless, Legion has some decent action scenes, as director Scott Stewart's background is in special effects, and there's enough suspense to keep you hanging around to see if there really might be any hope left of saving the world...or whether we're all massively screwed.

GRADE : C+

Retro Revisited: BEYOND RANGOON (1995) and THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY (1982)

John Boorman's Beyond Rangoon had been on my list to watch for a while, and when I finally got around to seeing it, I was blown away--and not just because there's stuff exploding all over the place. Set in 1988, and based on actual events, it's the story of young doctor Laura Bowman, (Patricia Arquette) a grieving widow whose husband and son were murdered. She sets about on a guided tour of Burma--thinking that perhaps she can gain some spiritual perspective in a land where big stone Buddhas are all over the place. But there's political unrest in the country--it's military leaders cracking down on pro-democracy protesters. When Laura loses her passport, she's in for a longer than expected stay. One thing leads to another and she falls in with dissident students and a former professor (Ang Ko) who is being targeted by the brutal regime. When he gets shot, it becomes a race against time. Constantly dodging bullets, he's trying to get her to the Thai border so she can escape the country, while she's trying desperately to find him the proper medical care.

Beyond Rangoon is a captivating film, underscored by a lush and haunting soundtrack from Hans Zimmer. And Patricia Arquette (even though she doesn't show any skin) was totally hot in this movie. Something about those nostrils that flare whenever she's in immediate peril.

Watching Beyond Rangoon, I was immediately reminded of another of my favorite films: The Year of Living Dangerously with Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver--directed by Peter Weir. The similarities between these two movies could not be ignored, and so I watched The Year of Living Dangerously again (for the fourth time) . It pointed out to me that I am fond of a certain type of flick that doesn't have a distinct genre, (other than "political thriller," I suppose) but is marked by the following characteristics:

1. Exotic locale

2. Political turmoil in the region

3. Protagonists working through their own personal stuff against the backdrop of a situation spiraling out of control and growing danger to themselves.

In The Year of Living Dangerously, set in the 60s, Guy Hamilton (Mel Gibson) is a young Australian journalist newly assigned to his post in Jakarta, Indonesia --where poverty is widespread and there is mounting political opposition to president Sukarno. Hamilton teams with local photographer Billy Kwan, (the diminutive Linda Hunt--totally convincing as a male dwarf) who has some inside contacts and helps Hamilton break a big story. With civil war brewing in the country, the reporter meets British embassy officer Jill Bryant, (Sigourney Weaver--who is also totally hot in this flick) and a budding romance ensues--even though she's returning to the UK in a couple of weeks. When Jill drops some sensitive information (about a communist arms shipment headed for Jakarta) on Guy, she thinks it will be held in confidence, but he puts his career first and decides to run with the story--letting the chips fall where they may and trying to undo the damage it does to their relationship later.

There is great chemistry between Gibson and Weaver here--some even called them a modern day Bogart and Bacall. And Linda Hunt gives a bravura performance (for which she scored an Oscar) as Billy, a devoted but troubled soul who is about to go off the deep end. Spellbinding music is contributed by Maurice Jarre, with a little Jerry Lee Lewis mixed in to stir things up !

That Patricia Arquette (star of the TV series Medium) and Sigourney Weaver were both foxy in these films--and couldn't exactly be described that way now--has not so much to do with age as the unflattering (indeed ghastly) hair styles they've chosen for themselves recently. Contrary to the belief that runs rampant among the fair sex, EVERY woman doesn't look great in EVERY type of hair style--and experimenting willy-nilly with your hair, ladies, will eventually lead to disaster. So please allow me to suggest as gently as I can: IF IT LOOKS GOOD, LEAVE THE DAMN HAIR ALONE ! (A major pet-peeve of mine--and lots of guys who won't be as honest with you as I am, for fear of getting hit in the head by a swinging purse...but I digress.)

Beyond Rangoon and The Year of Living Dangerously are two films I highly recommend for those who love the romance of drama...the drama of romance. (What else is there?) See them in tandem to get the full effect.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? (PG-13)

STARS: Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker

DIRECTOR: Marc Lawrence

It's an intriguing concept. A successful Manhattan couple, Paul and Meryl Morgan, (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) who are separated cuz she discovered that he did the nasty with another woman, witness the murder of a guy with mob connections. The hit man gets a good look at their faces, and later tries to track them down. So the government puts them in the federal witness protection program and ships them off to Where The Hell Am I, Wyoming. Thrown together again by fate, Paul attempts, awkwardly, to patch up their relationship, amidst ideology and culture clash with the local rednecks, who have little empathy for alternative lifestyles (she's a vegetarian and a PETA supporter) . Meanwhile, the relentless killer is on their trail, and it's only a matter of time before he sniffs them out.

But Did You Hear About The Morgans? is like a Cliff Notes version of a movie, with characters and a plot that aren't completely fleshed out. Meryl has strong convictions, but we're not shown what led her to them--the couple don't even have a cute little dog or a cat or a baboon or a marmoset, as far as we can tell. It's not surprising, though, that the omission was made, as mainstream film makers like to portray vegetarians as being airheads.

Hosted by local U.S. Marshal Clay Wheeler (Sam Elliott) and his Annie Oakley wife Emma, (Mary Steenburgen) our hapless couple is holed up in a cabin with animal trophy heads on the walls and a refrigerator crammed with meat. This sets up the "city slickers out of their element" gag to play throughout the rest of the film. To his credit, writer-director Marc Lawrence (Miss Congeniality) keeps the relationship theme central to the story, rather than turning the movie into an early referendum on the 2012 election--with a wild-eyed, moose blasting Sarah Palin battling for our hearts and minds against the progressive-minded Obamas (Michelle doesn't wear fur) . Both sides stick to their guns and the ideological divide is played mostly for chuckles.

But Did You Hear About the Morgans? takes too many shortcuts--as in when Paul encounters a cranky bear outside the cabin. Meryl, from inside, tries to relay instructions to him on what to do. He's caught between freezing in place or running for his life. It's an amusing bit (as only Grant can pull it off) until you detect that they've resorted to one of the oldest and cheapest cinematic tricks in the book--and that is to superimpose Paul against the backdrop of a screen (like they do with your local TV weatherman) where the bear is snarling menacingly, but Hugh Grant as Mr. Morgan is in no real danger because he's off in a studio somewhere. (Geez...you'd think they could have paid a stunt guy to have a fake tussle with a trained bear, for the sake of realism.) There IS some real courage demonstrated, though, and it comes from Sarah Jessica Parker, who allows herself to be filmed on a city street in the rain, with drenched hair and wearing no makeup. Sans cosmetics, she is strikingly plain-Jane. But it's another bogus scene cuz no upscale Manhattan babe is gonna be caught dead looking that way in public !

Did You Hear About the Morgans? isn't the worst movie I've ever seen...it's just the worst Hugh Grant or Sarah Jessica Parker movie I've seen.

GRADE: C +

UP IN THE AIR (R )

Up In The Air deals with nothing less than what sooner or later becomes the central issue in each of our lives--and that's commitment. And some peripheral issues, like the bad economy, and empathy--or lack thereof-- for one's fellow human beings.

Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) is hired out by one company to fire employees of other companies when their own bosses are too lily-livered to do it themselves. Nice job. It's an itinerant lifestyle, and we see a lot of Bingham breezing through airports with as much aplomb as one can do these days when one is subjected to everything short of a full body cavity search before boarding a plane. His life connections--like the brief encounters with the unfortunate working stiffs he leaves scattered in his wake like so much jetsam--are mostly superficial.

It's in this setting that Ryan meets his female counterpart, Alex, (Vera Farmiger--of the remarkable physique) who also racks up the frequent flyer miles, (and men along the way) and before you can say WE ARE NOW READY FOR BOARDING they're in the sack together beginning something of a free-spirited affair.

But there's turbulence ahead when Natalie, (Anna Kendrick) a young upstart in the company, comes up with a way to streamline the firing process. Hey, yeah...we'll do it by remote teleconference (as if the process weren't impersonal enough) and save all that mad dashing about the country! Ryan has some distinct feelings about this, which may have a little to do with not stripping people who've given seventeen years of loyal service to their company of ALL their dignity--but it has more to do with him becoming obsolete, as well as losing out on his fly-by-night trysts with Alex.

Kendrick is effective as the little corporate snot-nose you'd like to say to: "Hey kid, you're shoelace is untied!" Then when she looks down you shove her in the closet and lock the door. She plays a nice counterpoint to Clooney's character, the seasoned veteran who's out to show her a thing or two about the business. Farmiga's on-screen presence is a testament to the depth and breadth of sex-appeal a mature woman brings to the table.

Up In The Air circles around a bit aimlessly in the first half--until some genuine human warmth emerges--and it transforms into a film both mainstream and thinking audiences (note that I make a distinction) will dig. There's a sweet subplot around the impending wedding of Ryan's sister--an experience which serves to jolt him into an awareness that he may want something deeper out of life after all. When he actually wants something bad enough to go after it, the tipping point is reached, suggesting that no matter how far ANY of us may go to isolate ourselves, we're human and we'd be eating out of his/her hand if the right one came along. (And I do believe this.)

But if you're fond of resolute endings, Up In The Air may leave you somewhere in the clouds. Nevertheless, don't be surprised if multiple Oscar nominations are encountered along its flight path.

GRADE : A-

TIMOTEO SEZ...

ON CHOICE OF FILMS:

Never go to a movie that has a promotional tie-in with a fast food restaurant chain...HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

urrp...urrp...BARF !

TIMMY'S TOP TEN FILMS OF 2009

My year-end (as opposed to rear-end) countdown of the best movies from this past year. Of course, I haven't seen EVERY flick that came out in 2009, and neither have you. And neither has anyone else who reviews movies for fun or profit. But of those I was compelled to see, these are the ones that didn't disappoint. Technically speaking, some of these films were actually released in the waning days of 2008--but like many other moviegoers, I didn't catch them until the new year had arrived--so for that reason, I hereby declare: CLOSE ENOUGH !

Opinions on movies--like opinions on anything--are subjective to each of us, based upon personal tastes, which are based to a large extent on our individual life experience. Still, if you want to argue with me because you think I've made a glaring omission--or went ga-ga for something that really sucked--feel free to do so. But just keep in mind that... YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT !

You can read the full reviews of each of these movies if you care to dig back into the archives of Timmy's Noodle. And so, with no further doo-doo...

#10: SUNSHINE CLEANING

Dark comedy starring Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Alan Arkin. As funny as a movie about cleaning up after suicides can be. The best films are the ones that make you alternately (or simultaneously) laugh and cry. Sunshine Cleaning gets the job done.

#9: TRANSSIBERIAN

Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer, Ben Kingsley. Struggle for survival on the Beijing to Moscow train in this engaging, relatively overlooked mystery/thriller. Intriguing plot twists and majestic aerial cinematography. Mesmerizing.

#8: TERMINATOR SALVATION

Christian Bale, Moon Bloodgood, Sam Worthington. Sci-fi action/adventure. A thrill ride of immense creative genius--if there were ever a prudent reason for strapping moviegoers into their seats, this is it. HANG ON !

#7: PRECIOUS

Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, Paula Patton, Mariah Carey. She's an obese, 16 year old Harlem native who is pregnant with her second child by her own father. Gritty, gut-wrenching drama which tells the story of how the human spirit will fight to survive, despite overwhelming odds against it.

#6: TWO LOVERS

Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow are kindred space cases in this quirky romantic drama. An engrossing character study of some of the growing functional dysfunctional in our society of the 21st century.

#5: THE PROPOSAL

Expected another run-of-the-mill romantic comedy from Sandra Bullock, (with Ryan Reynolds as her leading man) but got a real surprise. This is a beautiful film, not only cinematically, but in spirit as well. And it's genuinely funny.

#4: DISTRICT 9

Sci-fi drama starring Sharito Copley and cat food gobbling aliens! You never thought you'd care so much about them until you realize they symbolize all of the oppressed people of the world. Belongs with the epic tales of how fate sometimes turns ordinary men into heroes.

#3: TAKING WOODSTOCK

Tripped out coming of age docudrama based on the memoirs of Eliot Tiber, who was instrumental in bringing the Woodstock festival to fruition. Ubiquitous pot smoking, mud sliding, some great music of the era, and an engaging behind the scenes story to be told. And naked hippies...YAY !

#2: SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK

A self-obsessed man (Philip Seymour Hoffman) builds a replica of New York City inside a gigantic warehouse in Manhattan, populates it with a multitude of actors, and creates an ongoing and all-consuming performance piece about his own life. Reality and magic realism intertwine. With Samantha Morton. Brilliant.

And (drum roll please) Timmy's FAVORITE film of 2009...

#1: ZOMBIELAND

Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin. A funny, clever, inventive piece of film making that shows just because the drooling, snarling, disgusting un-dead are lurking behind every public crapper stall door--it doesn't mean a zombie flick can't also be poignant and life-affirming as well. With a deliciously off the wall surprise cameo by one of the biggest superstars of comedy.

PRECIOUS ( R )

Claireece "Precious" Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) escapes into a fantasy world where she leads a glamorous life. The fantasy helps her deal with the harsh reality of her existence. She's an obese, 16 year-old Harlem native--pregnant with her second child by her own father. And she lives with Mary, (Mo'Nique) the mother from hell. In Precious, the mother-daughter scenes are gut-wrenching and difficult to watch. Precious suffers physical and emotional abuse at the hands of "dear old mom," a being with no shred of human warmth, compassion, or conscience. Her only motivation in life is to manipulate the system and keep her welfare checks coming. That she is portrayed so convincingly in this light is a testament to the acting talent of comedian Mo'Nique, playing against type. If she doesn't get an Oscar nomination for her performance, you can slap my ass and call me Nancy.

Though she's basically illiterate, Precious has an aptitude for math--and so her Junior High principal is able to get her placed into an alternative school where, despite strong resistance from mom--who just wants her to "get her ass" down to the welfare office--she has an opportunity to develop the potential that has heretofore remained hidden. But there will be more devastating news and more challenges ahead for Precious, as she struggles to escape the bonds of despair and degradation she was born into.

Precious is poised to receive multiple Academy Award nominations, both for individual presentations and, most likely, for Best Picture as well. Strong performances are turned in from from Gabourey Sidibe--who had no previous acting experience; Paula Patton as Ms. Rain, the teacher who takes Precious under her wing; and Mariah Carey, as a welfare case officer. Carey's appearance is toned down to the point where you may not recognize her at first. I didn't.

Personally, I'd love to see Patton get some recognition for this, as her sincerity shines through in every moment she's on screen. There's also a nice ensemble cast of insolent, trash-talking teenage chicks who play off of Precious at her new school. All this and Lenny Kravitz as a male nurse !

Produced by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry, and directed by Lee Daniels, Precious is the story of how the human spirit will fight to survive despite overwhelming odds against it. Not to be missed.

GRADE: A